I first started my therapy journey 15 years ago. I was 16 years old, my parents were starting their separation that 5 years later became a divorce, and I was in my first sexual relationship with an emotionally abusive partner.
It was not my choice to go to therapy, but looking back I always thank my parents for forcing me to start this journey. Therapy allowed me to talk through my issues, and at that time I had quite a few. At 16 I was the last child in the house, and my brothers are at least 8 years older than me so I often found myself having to deal with my parents arguing on my own. I remember I would sit in my room with the door closed and turn the TV on as loud as it would go to drown out the noise.
My family was certainly not perfect, but I grew up believing we were. I had a ton of friends that came from broken households and would tell me I have the perfect family, and when other people are telling you that you learn to not look to closely. So, at 16 when everything started, I certainly was not prepared for my “perfect” world to come crumbling down around me.
At that same time I was experiencing sex for the first time, and what that meant in a relationship. Only I had the unfortunate experience of having a very emotionally abusive partner, which definitley did not make my relationship with sex easy.
Anyway, I continued with therapy through college, but going less often than was probably necessary, until eventually I just stoped going all together. Straight from college I went to graduate school and during that time I had met someone who I really thought I was going to marry. We lived together, we spent all the time we could together, since I was in Florida and he was in NY. And we talked about our future and what it would look like.
When he broke up with me, it was out of no where, and for the first time in my life, I experienced a panic attack. I and a good friend of mine who was also going through some serious things in her life decided to seek help and I went back to therapy, but being a student and not being able to afford therapy, I could only go 6 times, because that was the amount of free sessions the college gave. So, I stopped my therapy journey again.
Now here I am 10 years later, at a very new place in my life. I have done so much work on myself, most of which I attribute to the amazing people we get to talk to on the podcast. And with this new space I am in and with the question of kids being in my life, I decided to go back to therapy. I knew I needed to talk to someone about my fears of loosing my identity, that I have worked so hard on developing, if I have children. And my fear of what it would do to the relationship between my husband and I. I always wanted a family growing up, and now being here right in front of this new journey, I don't know if I actually do. I see people in my life who have had kids and tell me that is was a mistake and I think that really seeped in to my reality. So, while I am working through that with my new therapist, I also am finding that I am doing therapy a little differently this time around. And at this time I would like to give Stephanie Ann a big shoutout because a lot of this is due to her. She told me that she also celebrates her wins in therapy, and I took that idea and ran with it.
As a 31 year old who hasn't been in therapy for 10 years, I forgot how empowering it is to talk to someone whose job it is to just listen. I leave my appointments with that post therapy glow and feel so lucky I am in a place where I can leave smiling.
So, I guess my whole point is it is never too late to continue or start your own therapy journey. If you have never tried therapy, why not go ahead and give it a try? Remember your wins are just as important to talk about as the things that are troubling you.
As always I hope this made sense, I just start writing these blog posts and follow where my mind takes me. So, I hope when you read them you can take away what I was trying to say.
your Cycle Half Emily