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What she Tackles, She Conquers.

On June 3rd, I turned 32 years old. I always think it’s funny to reflect on what I thought my life would be like at 32 and then the actuality of being 32. I still feel like the same person in so many ways, but I have the understanding that I am getting older, especially every time I get down on my knees and hear them crack. 

So, what does being 32 mean to me, and what do I want to work on this year? 

I guess let's start off with 21-year-old Emily in college, waiting desperately to fall in love with the right man. I remember always thinking that finding my person would fulfill me. Like I’d fall in love, and everything else would fall into place. I also was, and still am, a person who loves with her full heart and gives her love away for free (that’s due to the example my daddy set for me, no, it is not always a healthy example to follow). So, like many 21-year-olds, my friends were getting tattoos, so I thought I would get one too. I pondered over what I wanted for a while and finally settled on a line from my favorite show, Gilmore Girls, which is more than a show to me, I honestly believe it saved my life. So, since love was always the thing I was striving for, I went with “Will you just stand still?” which is what Luke says to Lorelai the first time they kiss (spoiler alert). I had it written in the Gilmore Girls font and put it on my right foot. Get it? “Will you just stand still?” on my foot cause we stand on our feet. I thought it was very witty. 

My twenties were certainly an interesting time of self-reflection and growth. I moved in with a partner for the first time (really thought we were going to get married-didn’t happen, thankfully), I moved to Florida for Grad School, I released people who were no longer good for me, I tried to be a professional actor (and succeeded), I had the worst break up of my life, I met my husband, got married, bought a house, adopted my fur children, went through a pandemic, started teaching, and started the podcast with Steph. 

So, now, when I look at that tattoo on my foot, I see a message not just about finding love, and I did find the best love I have ever known, but I see it as a message to me to take a breath and remember to stand still in this time and be present. Because I was always extremely future-focused instead of just living each moment, and I certainly have gotten better, thanks a lot to my husband, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. 

So, now lets fast forward to Saturday, 6/1, about 10 ½ years after I got my first tattoo, I decided to get another (and mom, if you are reading this, which is unlikely, I am sorry I didn’t tell you, please do not be mad, I love you). This time around, I contemplated what to get and had the idea come to me when I was snuggling up in a blanket that my brother and his family got for me for Hannukah (so hey, Zach!). The blanket is a bunch of patches from Gilmore Girls, and on one of the squares, it says, “What she tackles, she conquers.” I honestly didn’t even remember that quote and had to look up what episode it was from, but I knew this was what I wanted for my next tattoo. So, I got it in the same font on my left forearm because we tackle with our arms, get it? I love some good thought put into something that will be on my body permanently. 

Anyway, I think within this last decade of my life, I have had quite a bit thrown my way; even when I was a teenager and living through my parent's atrocious divorce and my mother's manic depression, I still made it through. And I have continued to prove to myself that I can tackle the obstacles that are put in my way. 

So, what am I looking to work on this year? 

Number one, I want to work on changing the narrative around what success is and how it looks. I have had a very hard time over these almost 4 years of podcasting not looking at everything we have done and considering myself successful. Most of the time I consider myself extremely unsuccessful, which isn’t fair to me and the countless hours of work I have put into building the community around the podcast. 

Secondly, and this kind of goes in line with the success thing, I want to stop apologizing for having the podcast. Typically, when I am asked what I do, I say I am a professor, and then I whisper that I have a podcast because I find myself embarrassed by my lack of “success” in that area. So, this year my hope is I can work on that and start saying it with pride, cause honestly fuck everyone who doesn’t believe in me or takes the amount of work I do for granted. I am so proud of all that I do, and I know so many people who would just give up if they didn’t get anything back, money-wise. I know I have grown so much from this experience, and I will be forever grateful to CCN for it.

The next thing I want to work on is quieting my thoughts. I just had an awful experience at my sister-in-law's birthday party, where they had a tarot reader. Long story short, I literally repulsed that woman, and she could not get me out of her chair fast enough (yes, I cried all the way home). So, I hope through meditation and therapy, I can get my brain out of overdrive so that I can stop and enjoy the view. 

Lastly, I hope that I continue to grow, evolve, and change because that is what being a human is all about. I refuse to grow in a box, color inside the lines or use whatever metaphor you want to use. I want to make a difference, and I am. So watch out for year 32; I am coming for you!

Love always,

You Cycle Breaker, Emily

1 Comment

I hope you are happier than recently. This latest post seemed like you are.

I hope you continue to/ start to conquer what you tackle

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