I was triggered at the gas station the other day and figured writing about it may help me work through it.
So, I have to begin my story 6 months ago. I had just gotten a haircut, my typical “long” to short cut I do twice a year. Later that night my husband and I went to go hang out with some friends we hadn’t seen in a while to start a new D and D campaign. It’s a Sunday night, I am basically in pajamas with no makeup, my typical at-home look, so that after we play I can brush my teeth and go to bed. One of my husband's friends comes in looks at me and says “Oh, I didn’t know who you were, you look like a 13-year-old boy with a bad haircut.” Now, I am sure this person meant it as a joke, but that was probably one of the meanest things anyone has ever said to me. I vowed right then and there, in my head, that anytime we play D and D I will wear makeup, nice clothes, and make sure to look “feminine.”
We played a few more times, but being adults, and everyone having different schedules, it has been months, so I haven’t had to see this person. The thing that sucks is I thought I worked through this already. Then last week I just got my typical haircut again, and have been feeling myself, everyone knows how great you feel after a really good haircut, and if you don’t you are with the wrong stylist.
So, now let's fast forward to yesterday, I am at the gas station filling up, and a homeless man approaches me and says “Young man do you have a dollar?” I don’t carry much cash, cause what millennial does? I tell him I don’t have any money but I have extra food, which I give him. I get back in my car and that memory from 6 months ago shoots back into my head about being told I look like a little boy. This time I can’t shake it. Later that night my husband and I are going out with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to play mini golf, I put on a cute outfit, and I find I am constantly looking at myself in the mirror saying “Do I look like a little boy?” And as I write this post, I honestly am getting choked up because I have never felt like the prettiest girl at the ball, but I thought I came to terms with how I look.
So, I guess I am writing this to say the journey never ends. This is clearly a new hurdle I have to work through, and that is a beautiful thing. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks, but hopefully, after working through this I get to a new place of self-love and acceptance of myself. And If you are out there and you hit a roadblock, it isn’t the end of the world. We will make it through whatever the obstacle is, we just have to be willing to work through it because that is the only way to heal.
Love always your Cycle Half,
Emily